1) I always remember the saying that God gives me the courage to change the things I can, gives me the grace to accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to see the difference. I think that this applies to parenting a lot. We cannot change our teenager's mind about anything or make them do anything, just because we want them to. We have to accept with grace that some things we cannot change, we have to have the courage to change ourselves, and the wisdom to know the difference. Look at the situation with your teen and see how this applies. Where are you not being so graceful, trying to change things you cannot? Where are you not being courageous enough to change what you can?
2) Are you holding any judgments about your teenager that is affecting the way that you are responding to them? Look at the judgment you are holding about your teen and how you see them. How can you suspend this judgment, if just only for a day, to see what happens?
3) Ask yourself if you want to move from control to choice. In this situation you always have a choice between the two. Are you trying to control too much? What choices could you make that would be different?
4) Take note of what triggers your reactions. What is your teenager doing that is sending you into a pattern of behaviour that is not serving you? What can you set up to ensure that you are not triggered?
5) Relax, find a way that you can relax and calm yourself in each situation, for example, breathing or just touching your heart, things to remind you that you are at choice in your reactions.
6) Make a decision to look at your child in another way. Ask how you want to see them and choose to see them like that in all situations, including the challenging ones.
7) Don't focus on the poor choices they have made and what may happen in the future. Instead, focus on what is present in front of you now.
8) Centre yourself before you start any communication. Before you start any communication with your teen get calm yourself and ask what you want from this conversation.
9) See what you can learn from each situation with them. Instead of seeing each situation as challenging, ask yourself what you have learned from this.
10) Focus on their strengths rather than their weaknesses.
11) Get clear on your bottom line in situations and be willing to state what is true for you. In others words, get clear what is and is not OK for you as their parent and make sure they are clear about this.
12) Ignore hurtful comments; you will get more satisfaction from not reacting to them and staying calm.
13) Look at how you have more personal control, rather than control over your son or daughter. How can you manage yourself more in these situations?
14) Remember that your job is to fix the relationship and concentrate on that over the behaviour. It is the relationship that needs fixing, not your teen or their behaviour. What can you do to fix the relationship?
15) Do not focus on the way things have been, focus on the way you want them to be.
16) Have it be OK that your teen may have a different value set than you and that they may choose to reject yours.
17) Take a look at the situation from their point of view. It may have been a while since you were a teen and life looks very different through their eyes.
18) Remember, our teens challenge us in this way at home because it's a safe environment for them. Whilst it might seem backhanded, it IS a compliment.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
HOW TO MAKE THINGS WORK
HOW TO STAY ON TOP AS A WOMAN
I think most of us would agree that procrastination is probably the biggest waster of time that there is. Quite often the job takes less time than the procrastination itself.
The problem with constant procrastination is because it creates a psychological mountain out of a mole hill, by the time we start the task we are probably feeling stressed and uptight. Sometimes we are own worst enemies as we do not even recognise we are suffering from this time stealing habit.
Alongside procrastination there is the busy mentality we buy into. Let's face it there is a sort of kudos in today's world about having so much to do. It makes us feel important and needed. What is also interesting is that the definition of one persons busyness compared to another can be quite different.
Having done spoken to lots of people and done a little research on the subject here are some ideas to eliminate the procrastination habit, which in turn may help to free up some precious time.
1. Get into the habit of keeping a daily "To Do List" -or as I spoke in the last newsletter the What Have I Done List. That way you are less likely to forget something that is urgent and important.
2. Those of us that procrastinate often have an unrealistic sense of time. We either start believing that a project will take forever. (So we never can find the time to start it). Alternatively, we do not allow enough time to get the task completed comfortably. See my article on clearing out the rabbits. Remember even five minutes is enough time to complete something. This could be some filing at work or sorting out the cutlery cupboard or making a telephone call
3. If you are finding "starting" the task difficult - remember not all tasks need to be started at the "beginning". If it is a difficult letter or a report which needs your attention - make a start and go back to the beginning later.
4. Try to action things as they appear, this way you will end up with less of a backlog.
5. Are you making the task more difficult? Sometimes there is a simpler, quicker solution. Try to be flexible in how you approach tasks. Think delegate, Fake not bake. Not so much finite detail. Most importantly stop aiming at perfection.
6. If there are particular types of projects you consistently procrastinate over, think about why. It could be that the information you need is not conveniently accessible. Or maybe there is an emotional reason for your reluctance to action your task or project e.g. confidence.
7. If you can not establish why you continually procrastinate over a particular task. Ask yourself if you really want or need to do it.
8. Schedule for problems and setbacks. By expecting problems and difficulties you may find yourself motivated to start the project earlier.
9. Plan a reason to motivate yourself into action. If it is a home based activity that you have not managed to get round to. Invite friends round and use this as your motivation to complete the tasks before their visit.
10. Tell someone else your deadline and give permission for them to remind you.
11. Listen to your moods. Use your energy to get tasks completed. For example gardening, washing the floor are great when you are frustrated or angry. Feeling overwhelmed - have a clearout.
12. Be opportunistic. Utilise "dead" time. If someone is running late, is there a phone call you can make. What five minute task can you do while you are waiting. Not only will you be able to tick something off your to do list you are less likely to be irritated by their lateness.
I think most of us would agree that procrastination is probably the biggest waster of time that there is. Quite often the job takes less time than the procrastination itself.
The problem with constant procrastination is because it creates a psychological mountain out of a mole hill, by the time we start the task we are probably feeling stressed and uptight. Sometimes we are own worst enemies as we do not even recognise we are suffering from this time stealing habit.
Alongside procrastination there is the busy mentality we buy into. Let's face it there is a sort of kudos in today's world about having so much to do. It makes us feel important and needed. What is also interesting is that the definition of one persons busyness compared to another can be quite different.
Having done spoken to lots of people and done a little research on the subject here are some ideas to eliminate the procrastination habit, which in turn may help to free up some precious time.
1. Get into the habit of keeping a daily "To Do List" -or as I spoke in the last newsletter the What Have I Done List. That way you are less likely to forget something that is urgent and important.
2. Those of us that procrastinate often have an unrealistic sense of time. We either start believing that a project will take forever. (So we never can find the time to start it). Alternatively, we do not allow enough time to get the task completed comfortably. See my article on clearing out the rabbits. Remember even five minutes is enough time to complete something. This could be some filing at work or sorting out the cutlery cupboard or making a telephone call
3. If you are finding "starting" the task difficult - remember not all tasks need to be started at the "beginning". If it is a difficult letter or a report which needs your attention - make a start and go back to the beginning later.
4. Try to action things as they appear, this way you will end up with less of a backlog.
5. Are you making the task more difficult? Sometimes there is a simpler, quicker solution. Try to be flexible in how you approach tasks. Think delegate, Fake not bake. Not so much finite detail. Most importantly stop aiming at perfection.
6. If there are particular types of projects you consistently procrastinate over, think about why. It could be that the information you need is not conveniently accessible. Or maybe there is an emotional reason for your reluctance to action your task or project e.g. confidence.
7. If you can not establish why you continually procrastinate over a particular task. Ask yourself if you really want or need to do it.
8. Schedule for problems and setbacks. By expecting problems and difficulties you may find yourself motivated to start the project earlier.
9. Plan a reason to motivate yourself into action. If it is a home based activity that you have not managed to get round to. Invite friends round and use this as your motivation to complete the tasks before their visit.
10. Tell someone else your deadline and give permission for them to remind you.
11. Listen to your moods. Use your energy to get tasks completed. For example gardening, washing the floor are great when you are frustrated or angry. Feeling overwhelmed - have a clearout.
12. Be opportunistic. Utilise "dead" time. If someone is running late, is there a phone call you can make. What five minute task can you do while you are waiting. Not only will you be able to tick something off your to do list you are less likely to be irritated by their lateness.
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